


daybreak

by thebinarysunset (SeeingGhosts)



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy, Star Wars: Bloodline - Claudia Gray
Genre: Force Ghosts, Gen, Jedi Ben Solo, Jedi Temple, Jedi Training, Original Character(s), Post-Star Wars: Return of the Jedi, Psychic Abilities
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-13
Updated: 2018-03-13
Packaged: 2019-03-30 18:06:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13957110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SeeingGhosts/pseuds/thebinarysunset
Summary: "did you see darkness? impending darkness?""no. no, i saw light."a young apprentice and burgeoning jedi seer under luke skywalker recounts the time leading up to the destruction of the jedi temple at the hands of ben solo.





	1. timekeeper

i knew ben solo.

i draw upon myself and remember.

i met him when we were both truly frightened and alone for the first time in our lives, even though we were surrounded by people.

and the other eleven children felt the same. we were strangers, then, and we could not offer comfort while we were too concerned over our own fears. 

the next generation of jedi, for that initial moment just a collection of promising force sensitive children from all planets and races. but we all knew we wouldn't have gathered if it wasn't for the legend himself, luke skywalker. 

about a year before that time he had appeared at my door, greeted by my parents as i shyly nestled myself in the corner. but once the formalities between adults were over, he moved to speak to me. i found my eyes raising up to meet his. 

"i've heard that you're interested in learning more about the force, particularly about the jedi."

i nodded slowly while my mother added in the part i couldn't find the words to say. i had studied the jedi and their place in history from as soon as i could understand a semblance of what the words meant, spoken and then written. 

how fortunate it was that my parents were members of the church of the force. they wanted to grant me any of the knowledge that i asked about. but my parents and i always pressed that my interest in the force came from my own mind, not from my surroundings and their religion.

even as my parents continue to explain their observations about me, how i had moved pebbles while thinking about jedi knights moving boulders, how i would murmur small but specific events that would come true, luke skywalker focused on me. 

when the time came for the fateful question, he once again turned to me first. yes, my parents would have a say, but training to become a jedi was my decision. 

"you'll be far away much of the time, but communication lines will be as open as possible. we can figure out certain holidays, emergencies..."

this was directed towards me, but it was only for my parents' sake. from the moment he asked me i had decided - it was all i had dreamed of since i had memories to draw from.

but my parents weren't so glad to give me up at such a young age. they didn't want to lose me. it took them several days to make their decision, and luke skywalker nodded understandingly every time he returned and they said "one more day." he knew it wasn't his decision to make. my childish mind thought it was entirely mine, and i couldn't understand why my parents didn't agree immediately. 

still, once those days had passed, they let me go. they wanted me to foster the potential i had blossoming within me. it followed their beliefs that i should be trained as a jedi, as they believed fully that the jedi must return. there was nothing that could make members of the church of the force prouder.

however enthusiastic i was in that moment where i made the decision, when i found myself leaving my anxieties took over. already shy, i found myself becoming almost silent. my eyes stayed wide as i found my new home, the jedi temple, and started meeting the other apprentices. master skywalker gathered them slowly but surely, but one boy stuck out as if he had always been there, the founding member of this new generation of jedi.

he was ben solo, a fact i quickly learned and more quickly shied away from. his lineage preceded him, and he didn't act to change the perceptions. at least, not actively. even as more children joined, as they began to fawn and try to figure out how to be his friend, he caved into himself. whether from introversion or vanity or something else entirely, ben didn't respond to anyone's reaches. he seemed determined to do one thing: stay alone.

many of those around me found themselves discouraged by this - as discouraged as excited and excitable children could stay for any stretch of time. surely they would come to worship him again in time. but i, often unwilling to part my lips unless i found it utterly necessary, felt that i understood his behavior on some level. 

i had little time to dwell on this, let alone act on it, because master skywalker had found a dozen apprentices and was finally ready for training to begin.

the youngest of us was 6, and ben the oldest at 14. i stood firmly in the middle, not falling under either extreme. but i stood out in my own way - i became the timekeeper. i was 10 when our training officially began, so my age paralleled the temple's growth. 

that was nine years in my past. now i was scraping the edge of my second decade while the temple was about to enter its first. i was 19, training to be a jedi, on the edge of a destiny i wasn't sure of yet. 

i had my ideas. the hunger for understanding that had illuminated my force sensitivity as a child continued to drive me. i listened diligently to whatever master skywalker had to say, especially when he spoke directly to me like he had that first day.

after i came bounding to him fretting over an inconsequential flash of the future that i had seen in a dream or during meditation for the umpteenth time, he must've decided trying to cut me off cold wouldn't work. he must've known i would worry and explode from keeping everything inside if i was no longer supposed to tell him what i was experiencing. instead, he refocused my energy on myself, my own future. 

"so...what do you think it means?" i asked.

"i don't think it's anything to get worked up about. but you should work on trying to figure out what it means for yourself. we'll make a seer of you yet."

i paused, realizing that this one word had never truly entered my mind before. i had always seen things, more than others, but i never thought that it could make me so distinct.

"do you mean that i might be able to control my visions one day?"

"not necessarily," he admitted. "but interpret them, make them clearer, have them more often with less effort, certainly. you wouldn't have to worry about asking them what they mean."

"oh," i said. "so i'd be...spending all of my time trying to have visions?" 

"no, not unless you wanted to do that. i could see you in different places...maybe one day you'll become the librarian of the new jedi archives."

i tensed. all of the apprentices were training to join something larger than themselves and find their place. but most of them thought their place was in action - i had quietly always wanted something more peaceful, but just as important. becoming the central source of all of the jedi wisdom in the universe, a purveyor sharing and blossoming minds after my own...it was as if he had seen right into my core.

"you're joking."

"well, you won't be having visions all the time. it was a librarian whose knowledge and dedication allowed me to establish this temple. so much has been lost...but master nu's work has preserved a history that was going to be destoyed entirely."

"a seer, and the librarian of the new jedi archives," i said, testing the titles out on my tongue. "so...that's my future?"

"maybe. you might just have to look for yourself."

he likely meant this in jest, as a nod to my developing powers, but i took it entirely seriously. that night, i was anticipating my evening meditation. it had always been another necessary ritual in the life of a jedi in training, but that night it seemed like a pathway to something more. 

i could see. i was a seer, a future keeper of knowledge. and the force could show me my future. when my mind spiraled into this idea, i could picture everything perfectly. i was certain the force could give me more. 

i reminded myself that i couldn’t bend the force to my will in that way, that it would only show me what i needed to see. but even still i closed my eyes and hoped that i would see a clearer, more solid image of my own future. just a scroll, a beam of light streaming through a massive window, anything like what i imagined for myself. 

but there was nothing. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y'all. i am so excited. meet the seer, my star wars oc born during winter break even though it's now spring break. after seeing the last jedi i knew i had to write something but i didn't know what. i thought about someone observing ben solo as he slowly but surely turned dark. and then that expanded into something that just felt far more.


	2. alight

 i am a seer, but what came to me first was the sound

a crackling while i remained in darkness

then illuminated in a flash of pure blue light

a lightsaber 

my hand shot out to summon my own 

nothing

the saber started to bleed into red

into fire

a controlled fire

flames illuminated two hands

trying not to quiver

fingers almost touching

desperate

impossible

a ray of light

she was

would be

a growing light

bursting

burning

a fire, crackling

burning me

screaming

light

light

light

and then, the sudden darkness of closed eyes. 

i was in my body again, in my room again, in the present again. my mouth gaped open, pressing out a scream. for one moment, i was frozen.

but the force had shown me all it needed to. i collapsed, drained of the energy i usually focused through meditation. my eyes tried to stay shut, to make me rest, but i pulled them open.

luke skywalker was standing above me.

"i heard you screaming. what's happening?"

"i...i think i had a vision. not just a flash, a real...vision." 

my voice emerged with a rasp.

"a full force vision? unprompted?"

my lips parted to answer, but he answered his own question instead.

"seems like i was right about you as a seer. a vision of this magnitude was only a matter of time...but i hoped it wouldn't be something so dire." 

"how do you know it was dire?"

"you were screaming," he said with a grimace. "now, what did you see?"

i tried to explain. i tried not to hold anything back, because i trusted master skywalker to know better than i, to need to know this information that was being passed through me.

but my words tumbled out and glossed together as i realized i couldn't verbalize what i had experienced. i didn't understand it, i only knew its contours in feelings and images that linked together and crashed apart. 

once my jumbled description was through, i let the room stand in silence if only so master skywalker could try to process it.

but i had my own questions. 

"is it a prophecy?" 

his answer carried no comfort, but his honesty calmed me.

"i don't know."

and then, "what do you think?"

"i...i'm not sure," i admitted. "i don't have anything to base it off of, not the raw visions that form prophecies. the prophecies we read about always have such pretty, rhyming words. this was not...this was not like that."

"that was clear from your description...hm..."

"i'm sorry."

"don't be sorry, you have no control over what happened, and now you're trying to figure it out. just tell me...did you see darkness? impending darkness?"

"no. no, i saw light."

master skywalker tried to hide it, but surprise flashed across his face. my eyes stayed wide, open, begging him to believe i was telling him the truth. i couldn't lie. i just wanted him to talk to me again, not to be angered or disappointed. still, i didn't fall into ease when he spoke.

"you are excused from all practice tomorrow. stay on your own and try to...try to extract some meaning from what you saw."

"but wouldn't you have more knowledge and understanding than me?"

"you're the only one who saw it, and you're the only one who can figure it out what it means because of that."

i nodded, although my heart already started beating faster. i didn't have a clue what it meant in that moment, and i doubted that even a full day of focus and meditation could illuminate the truth. but the growing fear, a haze in his eyes...i couldn't refuse.

"i'll get one of the other students to bring you food. you can't be expected to decipher the force on an empty stomach."

"thank you."

"now get some rest. it's going to be a long day for you even though you won't be at the lessons with everyone else. and don't push yourself too hard. 

"i will remember that. thank you again, master skywalker."

he let out an amused sigh. "you don't have to call me that. you know 'luke' is fine."

"i know," i replied. "but it's sort of...ingrained. and i don't see any harm in being respectful."

"ah, if only some of the others could take a leaf out of your book." he said it with a laugh, but i found my breath catching in my throat anyway. of course there were the small moments of less than perfect conduct among a mass of young students, but i knew that he was referring to something more. 

"well...good night," he said.

"good night, master skywalker."

i was certain i would not be able to fall asleep that night due to a racing mind, but the pure exertion i had experienced through the force made me lose consciousness nearly the moment i laid my head down. 

i woke up later than i normally did, and thus fretted over being late as i normally would. but then came the memories of the night before, and i realized i would have to refocus my energies entirely. fortunately, upon realizing my day's purpose, i was able to center myself.

i meditated. i sat at my desk with a pen in my hand, willing for words that made sense to come. i thought over what i had seen, tried to picture it again and figure out connections, patterns, anything. but no matter what i did, my vision seemed to remain within the realm of chaos.

as i sat at my desk i noticed that my mind, which i had spent so much energy to clear this morning, had muddled up again. it wasn't until i heard a knocking that i realized that perhaps this lack of clarity was coming from hunger. 

"come in," i said, curious to see which of my fellow trainees master skywalker selected to run an errand for me. 

his nephew. somehow an obvious choice and yet the most surprising one at the same time. 

"hello, ben," i said. as he handed over the food, i thanked him, and he responded with a nod. as that was the norm, i figured our "conversation" would end there. but instead he straightened his spine, and stood firmly in the room. he had something to say.

"what are you doing? everyone is wondering, but luke hasn't said a thing."

i wondered if perhaps master skywalker didn't want anyone else to know. but i also figured that curiosity in the minds of young students could be more dangerous.

"i had a vision yesterday, a full one," i explained. "it needs to be interpreted, and master skywalker decided that it was important for me to work on interpretation on my own."

"that's...unusual."

"exactly. otherwise there's no way he'd let me miss an entire day of training. but i guess this..." i gestured weakly to my increasingly messy desk, "...this is my training for the day, especially if i'm going to be a seer later on."

"so...what did you see?"

i paused. i didn't know if i had the words to explain it - i certainly hadn't the day before - and i wasn't sure how much i was meant to say. but i had been holding it all in, trying to ruminate on the same few ideas over and over again. perhaps sharing them would ease the burden.

"i barely know what i saw, which is why i have to do all of this. it was mostly images? but i heard things, too. i saw light. there was fire...a lightsaber, blue...then red, burning. i don't know where one thing begins and another ends. but it was...it was so much light."

"light? you were screaming."

"yes, because i felt it," i said. "it didn't...it didn't frighten me, but the light...it was like flames. maybe it was flames. i don't know."

he nodded, and once again i was certain that would be the end of our conversation. i had a light goodbye readied on my tongue when he spoke up once again. 

“what does it feel like? to be able to...see the future like that?”

i gazed down.  

“that would be like me asking you what it’s like to be good at sparring,” i replied, trying to divert the energy.

"no, it's not the same," he said, now suddenly irritated. "you can train to be good at sparring. this is...a different type of connection to the force. one that gives you understanding, understanding that no one else can have."

"understanding...understanding would have to be a loose term here," i said weakly. "i haven't figured out anything yet."

"yes, but you will. because if you're a seer, and luke certainly seems to think you are, then the force will lead you to the answer."

"i...i guess you're right." 

i stayed focused on the ground until his voice pulled my head up. 

"that means now you know where you belong in this galaxy, in this new order. you've...you've always known. how?"

"well, i don't know. i just have always been me, and somehow i've been taken on a path where i can figure out more of what that means and how i can achieve the things i've wanted since i was young. and i'm certain the force has something to do with it. both with my sight and with where i am now, where i'm heading...i feel like i've only just figured out i'm meant to be a seer."

"but you did figure it out?"

my mouth opened to form some kind of response, but nothing was prepared to come out. what did emerge felt weak. 

“i guess so.” 

he was asking so many questions, probing for more and more. a younger me might have said he was curious, and i would’ve understood. but this was not interest in me. no, he was asking for himself. 

“you chose it for yourself. it wasn’t...chosen for you.”

“the force chose me to have the gift of sight. it brought it to where i need to be, physically, mentally. but i...it’s all i ever wanted.”

he didn't respond. 

without saying a word, he had told me everything. he didn’t want what had been thrown upon him since birth. he didn’t chose to be ben solo. 

i felt his fears acutely as if they were my own, and i nearly burst with the desire to speak my own anxieties to hear them echo in his voice. 

“but my parents didn’t want to let me go.”

the words tumbled out, not quite what i wanted to say, but enough that he would listen. 

“they had their beliefs as members of the church of the force. and i had my potential, so this was the way...the only way...and back then the answer was simple but i wonder sometimes if i had stayed. if i would’ve suffocated not fulfilling my potential. but my potential seems so far away. clear, but far away. i just want the reason they let me go to be worth something.”

we locked gazes and i realized how rarely i ever made eye contact. 

“i understand,” was all he said. 

of course he did. i said it for him. 

"well, i guess i'll leave you to your work."

he started turning around to leave, but i found i needed to say one thing more.

"ben...you'll figure it out. we're all still young, and you'll find your place. i know this."

my voice sounded strange, as if it was coming from someone else's mouth and i was only a listener to its words. the strangeness stayed with me as he looked back at me, unsure of what to make of my words. but i watched the shade of a smile curl on his lips as he nodded and said his goodbyes. 

the moment he was gone, the strange sensation moved to my hands, drawing my pen across the page with the words i had tried to find all day.

i read them again and again, snapping out of the fog with a sense of disbelief. this felt right. so sudden and yet so lucid. it looked like a prophecy, and my pride stretched along with my reach into the unknown. 

after i had read the prophecy so many times that the words were burned into my memory, i neatly folded up the paper, pushed out a sigh, and ran to find master skywalker.

he looked surprised by my energy, but realized quickly why i had come in such a rush. 

"i have it," i said. "i finished. it's done."

he took the paper from me, and i could hear the words resonating in my mind as he read.

_what once was sky shall bleed to flame_

_those once alone become the same_

_who was asleep awakens bright_

_all burns, and sets the world alight._

from the way his eyes flicked down i knew he was done reading. every second he didn't form a response was another moment i felt myself stretching, wondering to the point i might fly out of myself.

"i have both good and bad news," he finally said. 

i sucked in a breath, finding my waiting was not yet done.

"it is a prophecy."

i paused, and he didn't speak.

"is that...is that the good news or the bad news?"

"both."

"oh," i said, the unsettled feeling from before sinking into my blood. 

"you don't need to worry yourself over this any longer. the only thing you need to do now is rest and make certain not to tell anyone else about this. no one else can know."

i nodded without hesitation, but in the pit of my stomach i wondered if i had already broken the rule.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> how to write a force vision? why, weird free verse poetry might fit the norm! but in all sincerity, that moment of just creative freedom and not feeling any push to explain what was happening was such a joy to write. i mean...you can probably figure out what it means. but it's fun to have that outside view, no? also the seer is such a nerd and i adore them.


	3. tapestry

i found my fingers twisting into my hair as if to tie together memories.

i hadn't always braided my hair with so much care. initially it had been whatever was fastest to keep it out of my face, if i decided i needed to keep it out of my face at all. 

but ben's hair was short enough that it wasn't an issue, so when he appeared with a plait running over his head it caught everyone's eye.

it was no padawan braid, that much was certain. it had a story. it was different. it was special.

for a few days, no one knew quite what to make of it. and then, without any initial discussion, all of us with hair long enough to braid were pooling together our resources, our fingers reaching to weave together patterns simple and intricate. some of us brought styles from our home planets, some of us came up with whatever we thought was suitable, and some of us delved into what we could find on alderaan’s traditions. 

i focused on alderaanian braids myself. the thought of searching through records and texts just to find my fingers weren’t nimble enough to create a certain plait yet didn’t deter me. i practiced before i went to sleep, wanting to make sure when i did emerge in the morning i would have done the style correctly.  

we all worked together to have our braids prepared on the same morning. it took a surprising amount of planning - i personally had to rush over to two other huts before sunrise because some of the others needed support. 

but i was adamant about braiding my own hair. it felt like a ritual, something that could easily replace morning meditation. i felt i had suspended myself in time, giving myself moments and connecting back decades to when alderaan still glittered. i could only hope others felt the same.

once we walked out, i think i sensed it. i think i could tell. 

ben, stricken but smiling, realizing what we had done. the glint of recognition in master skywalker’s eyes. collectively, we had pleased the two people we wanted to care about us most. 

after that day, braids became a rather permanent fixture at our jedi temple. for me, they became part of my morning routine. they gave me a sense of familiarity no matter how much things changed. as we were traveling to a different planet, learning lessons on the ground, i needed something to tie me to what i knew. 

it wasn't just the place around me that had changed. whatever wall exisited between ben and i was crumbling. while i knew and didn't dare to think we would ever have such a conversation as the one from after my vision again, the fact that we had spent almost ten years training alongside one another was starting to mean something.

all it took was for me to see ben and not ben solo.

it made me wonder why so many others failed in this same endeavor. but secretly i hoped that they wouldn't move past this failure. for all the friendships and connections i had made through the jedi temple, this one was different. i felt i had received trust and respect that was not for anyone else, and i prided myself on it. 

i couldn't pretend i knew everything about him. i didn't feel i needed to. besides, who would i have to brag to, except for him?

these were the thoughts that lingered as i tied off the end of my braid, signifying the start of my day. just as i was about walk out of my room - the first one up and fully ready, of course - i felt a shivering overtake me and settle in the pit of my stomach. now alarmed and unsteady, i took another step forward.

when i made my way outside, i saw my fellow apprentices with the same look on their faces as mine. then it came to us. we had all emerged with the same words on our lips: we needed to connect to the holonet that very moment. 

everyone was there, murmuring fragments of plans to find a connection when we were in such an isolated planet, wondering if it was even possible but knowing it needed to be. everyone murmuring, except ben, who had been drawn out through the sheer energy of us awake too early.

everyone except ben had felt the same thing. he and i both noticed, met eyes, but did nothing. everyone fixated on accomplishing their force-given goal first and foremost, and would not notice such things, nor would it matter. 

the murmurs crescendoed until it was chaos. we all knew we were too far away to connect to the holonet normally. we also felt strongly that we would not and could not ask master skywalker for support. i did what little i could, knowing how little ability i had with technology.

"have you seen anything about this?" one of the younger apprentices asked me. 

"no. no, i only know the same thing as everyone else. we all realized at the same time..." my eyes flicked upward. "ah...i can't remember anything that would have anything to do with this."

"maybe you can meditate on it and connect to the holonet...with the force...through time?" she said, grimacing at her own words.

"maybe. but it looks like they're making progress over there," i replied, pointing out a steadily growing group crowded around some mesh of projectors and extenders. we moved towards them together, and i sat down trying to keep out of the way as those who knew what they were doing worked. it was anxious work, wondering if we could succeed. wondering if master skywalker was coming. wondering why we all knew he couldn't come. 

finally, the image crackled to life. immediately, it was clear we were on the correct channel. it was a news broadcast, from the senate. breaking news.

we sat and stood in a half-circle, watching with wide eyes like we were children watching holodramas once again. but what we were seeing in that moment was real, horrifyingly real.

"does any person present know of any fact that would disqualify senator organa from higher office?"

there were a few murmurs - we were so removed from the details of politics during our training that none of us had realized leia organa would be running for any sort of position in the senate. ben had never said anything, either. maybe he didn't even know himself.

surely there would be silence. but silence wasn't breaking news.

"i must take the floor."

we felt our hearts plummet.

a senator, identified as ransolm casterfo, clearly handsome but at the moment looking as if about to faint, pulled himself onto unsteady feet. 

"the first senator of the new republic can only be granted supreme authority if we, the citizens, feel that person deserves our trust. to my deepest regret, i have learned that leia organa does not deserve that trust."

he continued, "princess leia's lies have protected her long enough. her deception cannot be permitted to endanger the entire galaxy. if people are considering electing her as first senator, they have the right to know exactly who they're voting for."

he pointed, the only steady and sure thing his body seemed to be capable of in that moment.

"senator leia organa is none other than than the daughter of darth vader himself!"

the senate erupted into chaos, until casterfo lifted a chest. i heard ben's breath catch in his throat in a moment of recognition. the senator pulled out a music box, and lifted it to start the music. a lullaby about the moon...and then, the voice of a man.

"your father has become darth vader."

shouting. people desperate for senator organa to denounce it, to stop this chaos. the holo switched to her, standing and speaking as steadily as she could.

"senator casterfo's accusation is true. my father was darth vader."

a handful of us let out audible gasps. i stayed silent, feeling as if the air was pressing me down into the ground. but it was quiet enough that we could all hear the sounds of footsteps. close to running. i felt people turn around to see but i was petrified.  

a voice rang out, clear as a bell. 

"ben, wait, there's more-"

he wasn't coming back. 

now we erupted once again, but in energy that could not be funneled into one common goal. some spoke furiously, as if releasing their thoughts through breath would make them any more lucid. others rushed towards their huts, saying that they needed to be alone or contact their parents, immediately. i stood silently at the eye of this storm, thinking only one thing: ben needed help. 

but i was frozen, unable to move while everyone around me moved too much.

how quickly our steady lives fell apart. we weren't even in the place we considered home.

it wasn't until everyone else had left that i realized i was alone. i felt that i had blinked and time had left my grasp. the same thought still echoed, but now i actually had to do something about it. i rushed towards where i thought he was, where he was staying and where i assumed he had gone, feeling halfway to delirium. i didn't have an idea of what i could possibly do or say, only that one thought.

help. help. help. help. help. help. i had to help. i had to. 

i stayed fixed in this idea until i collided with someone, something, that forced me to acknowledge the actual world around me. i gazed up to find master skywalker standing before me. he stared at me with something that i did not yet realize was fear. maybe i didn't notice because i was feeling afraid myself. we each waited for one another to speak. finally, the all-too-simple and unnecessary words tumbled out.

“i think ben needs help.”

he seemed to believe i had something more to say. something that frightened him. he had heard me, but his mind had led his thoughts elsewhere.

then, "you're probably right."

he knew. he gave a hint of a nod, and carried on his way. maybe he needed help, too. 

oh. he knew.

he hadn't told any of us about his father, and he hadn't told ben. his nephew. his blood. 

i wanted to believe i understood why. but all i knew was that through my teacher and my friend, i had stumbled into something i wasn't related to. i didn't understand. i couldn't. i saw that there was no place for me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i will never stop singing the praises of claudia gray's work within the star wars universe. if you haven't read any of her star wars stories (bloodline, leia princess of alderaan, lost stars) please do. it has shaped the way i view this universe and so many of the characters within it. the seer could not exist without claudia gray, honestly. 
> 
> and the seer could not exist without a wealth of sources both derived and separate from star wars. some of the sources from the top of my head: the now non-canon jedi path book, antigone, macbeth, the book "from a certain point of view," mbti theory, the music of arvo pärt. they're a real amalgamation.


	4. breathe

"i need your help."

ben was desperate, and i knew that even if he told me why i wouldn't be able to understand its depth. 

even though it was late, even though i was about to go to sleep, i ushered him into my room.

"what do you mean? what do you need me to do?"

he stared right into my eyes, and i felt my skin freeze with the thought he had brought with him something i was not meant to know. he looked at me like i was older than i was, like i was wiser than i was, like i truly could help him. days before i had thought cracking the armor of ben solo was a good thing. it meant we could understand one another, be closer. but with his gaze boring into mine, begging for something i wasn't sure i could give, i realized i was now seeing his blood.

"i need to know...something...about the future. my future. i need you to have a vision. i don't know how, but..."

"ben. i'll do it. you don't need to tell me anything more." 

i started working immediately. i gathered everything i knew about the force, about how it unified time, about how i felt when i channeled it. 

if i had a moment to breathe, all i could think about was how important this was. i had been shut out for the briefest moment and now i was needed again, far more than before. then i hated myself for feeling that way.

my connection to the force improved when i lost myself in it. when i could let go of my individuality, my vanity and my shame, i could be part of the current. i had always loved that sensation, but now it frightened me. wasn't it my role to help ben? without myself, i had no control over what i was seeing, what i was doing. 

but the force does as the force wills. 

it happened in the middle of the night, hours after i had sent ben off wishing there was anything i could do or say that could stop his anxiety from shaking the air. 

i didn’t know where i was, but it wasn’t a vision. not yet. if i looked around it seemed vaguely like the area outside of my hut yet i knew it wasn’t. every time i moved i felt myself compressed and burned and imploding. i couldn’t fit in this world, and it was so painful i screamed for it to stop and raised my hand. 

then, release. time like gossamer threads drifted across my fingers. i had no control over any of it, not where i wanted to go or how i wanted to go there, but i felt it brushing against my palm, tangling over my thumb. this was the gift given to me, to touch time and ask it to show me more than i could see alone. and so, i asked for a vision.

this vision was more violent than the last. i hadn't thought that was possible. i hadn't thought about the past at all. once the vision overtook me, it stole my breath and pierced through me and tore me apart while i placed myself somewhere between all time. 

when i returned, there was no one in my room. i wasn't screaming. but there were tears streaming down my face, almost of their own accord, like i was leaking from my eyes. i gave myself no time to think through it before my body shut itself down, forcing me into desperate, sudden sleep. my last thoughts were that it felt like i should never wake up. i thought maybe i wouldn't.

but i did wake up, to a too-bright sun. usually when i woke up before training the sun was just barely rising. now it was already reaching into the sky. fogged, i rushed to get ready, throwing together my braid in a crude reenactment of my normal routine.

exhausted, i stumbled out of my hut. was i late? did it matter?

it turned out i wasn't late, thank the force. but my imbalance and tiredness permeated everything i attempted to do. after a group meditation i tried to catch ben for a moment, tell him what i had seen and felt. but my path was blocked by master skywalker.

"i need to talk to you. alone."

"oh. okay."

i could feel my eyes widening as he walked me over to where none of the other apprentices were in earshot.

"master skywalker, i...i am...am i...."

"no, no, you're not in trouble. i doubt you would ever do anything wrong. you never have before. i just need to know what's going on."

i searched his face. surely there was something he wanted me to say. i couldn't figure out what that was. 

"what do you mean, what's going on?"

"you're unsteady like i've never seen you. not just tired, but...off."

"oh. oh, i didn't really sleep much last night."

"...and why was that?"

i heaved in a breath. what could i say?

"i was trying to evoke a force vision. and i succeeded."

"why would be doing that?” he forced a laugh. “there's no extra credit."

"i just...i just wanted to try it...for myself..."

he shook his head. "i know that's not true. you clearly didn't have a positive vision, and...well, you're an awful liar."

i looked up at him. so many of the others were wary of him after the vader story broke, and i could understand why. but i wanted to believed that our connection hadn't changed. he was still master skywalker. maybe i was the one who had shifted.

"ben asked me to have a vision for him, and i said yes. that's why."

he blinked several times.

"why would you do something like that?" then he caught himself. "it's something you've never done before, and surely you must've realized it wasn't going to be easy..."

my mouth opened before i found the words i wanted to say.

"he didn't just come up and ask me on a whim. it was clear he...he needed my help. he seemed so defeated...i couldn't think saying no. and he's my friend. i have a duty to help my friend."

“he’s your friend?”

“yes. we've been together for ten years, all of us, i mean. everyone here is important to me, and...

and...i mean, i would do anything i could for any of them."

surely he had noticed that ben and i had gravitated towards one another, but i couldn't push away the fact that i would i might just be heightening suspicion. it wasn't untrue. the jedi apprentices were my family.

"i see."

he didn't. but he let me go anyway.

i spent the majority of my day trying to let ben know that we could talk that night without actually speaking during the day. he understood on some level, but i still saw him trying to approach me. i pulled away every time, hoping the message would carry.

finally, once the lessons and exercises were complete, we headed straight for one another. there were no greetings, and there didn't need to be.

"you did it. it worked."

"i did," i said, feeling a smile curl across my lips. "i did do it, didn't i?"

"i'm glad you did. but we can't talk about it here. come on."

he guided me to his hut, where i drifted toward the doorway even as he moved over to his desk. this was not my space. with his mind entirely elsewhere, he did not notice.

"you seem happy."

"i do?"

"about the vision, you seem happy. does that mean it was a good vision?"

"i mean...it's good that i even had a vision. i don't know if the vision itself was good, it just kind of...was."

there was a levity in his eyes that started to drop. but it wasn't gone yet.

"tell me."

i paused. trying to remember a vision in words was like trying to remember a dream and its details when you were already awake. but i had gone over the images and feelings so many times in my head. for him.

"it was raining, and i couldn't see anything but i took a step back. then i was falling into something - water, it felt like - and i couldn't swim and so i was drowning, i couldn't breathe, and then it was because i had a mask on my face and everything was dark. then...ah, this is hard to explain...it cracked? everything cracked? it was white like light coming through but split through with red, and red started to take over everything...then green, green...life...maybe rebirth...something tearing through..."

i trailed off because i had nothing more to share. but he looked at me expectantly. waiting. waiting. 

"that...that was all there was. does that mean anything to you?" i asked.

"no. nothing."

"i...i didn't think it would...but, but i am going to interpret this vision for you. see if prophecy-speak means anything more to you."

"so you think it's a prophecy?"

"i've only had one, but...it felt the same."

"are you sure?"

i found myself shaking my head, even though i wanted to reassure him. 

"so...so what does that mean?"

i let my head hang for a moment. my thoughts had been swirling whenever they were not caught up in connecting with the force, and there was something i was only just beginning to realize. but i wasn't sure if ben was ready to hear, was less sure that i was even ready to say it.

"there's a pattern in my visions. i had never been able to evoke visions of the future, not even my own. but something about you changes that. when i had that first vision, that prophecy - right after we spoke i was able to interpret it. and now, i tapped into a full force vision of my own accord. i was doing it for you."

he said nothing, only waited with wide eyes.

"i have a feeling that the moment i leave i will be able to interpret this new vision because i was here with you. it fits into the pattern. i would say maybe you're enhancing my abilities, but i think it's clearer than that. ben, i think i'm seeing your future."

i wanted nothing more than for him to respond. i couldn't think of anything he could say that might ease the tense air. but when he spoke, he did not respond.

"your first prophecy. what was it?"

my thoughts stumbled.

"i told you about it right after it happened, i-"

"no. you told me about the images, then you interpreted it. if it really is a part of this pattern, if it's my future, then i need to know the interpreted version. not just the images."

an intensity had crept into his voice with such speed that i found myself choking back the words i needed to say next.

"i...i can't tell you...not about that. master skywalker told me that i couldn't tell anyone...not tell anyone."

“tell me.”

his hand raised from his side, i felt myself freeze as if bound together by chains, and a piercing pain entered my brain, the beginnings of-

he pulled back and all tension left my body. 

“what did you...what did you do?” i murmured, unable to gather the breath to speak any louder.

"nothing. i'm sorry." his words were sharp, ashamed, meant far more for himself than for me.

"you understand that i can't tell you. and it's not just because of master skywalker," i said. "i...i'm afraid of what all of this means. i don't understand it. i could never see my future, ben. i can only ever see yours. and, really, that terrifies me.”

"i'm sorry. i'm sorry, i just...it's something i think i need to know. for myself."

i felt my heart tearing itself in half, wanting to help him and wanting to steady myself.

"i understand that, but master skywalker was clear."

"but luke lied to you. he lied to all of us-"

"-i trust him.”

i was firm. deliberate in a way i didn't think i was capable of. and yet he barely heard me.

"but if you bend your will to any person who comes to you with a shake in their voice then you'll never be able to make a decision for yourself ever again."

"it's what i did for you," i said. he froze, but i continued. "because if i see someone suffering, and i can stop it or at least ease it, then i’m going to do something. isn’t that why we’re here? isn’t that what we’re supposed to be doing?”

"maybe," he muttered. "maybe it is. but if he comes to you and asks you about it, how am i supposed to know that you won't tell him about your vision?"

"is that how little you trust me?"

now, this caught him for a moment. but his voice returned, even if softer. 

"he knows about this already. and he shouldn't."

"i'm not talking about master skywalker. i'm talking about me. i stayed up the entire night trying to evoke a vision, extending myself in ways i have never tried and have never been taught, and threw myself into a vision that _hurt_ and drained all of the energy from me. for you. yes, he knows that i helped you. but he doesn't know anything about the vision. i won't tell him, if that's what you want. but i think his guidance and knowledge could-"

"no. don't tell him."

i sighed, because i didn't know what else to do. 

"i don't have to help you. i probably shouldn't be. but i made the choice to help you. now i need you to trust me." 

ben sighed. "i do. i do trust you. that's why i asked you in the first place."

i stood there for a moment, listening to the sound of my own breathing.

"thank you."

i shifted back and forth on my heels, then turned to return to my own room and work. 

"don't leave."

he couldn’t even meet my eyes. as if asking a friend for their time was something to be ashamed of.

i felt a part of me bleed, and a part of me sour. 

"i think i need to be alone right now."

i could've made up some explanation about how interpretation required work in solitude, but i didn't have the strength to bring up something i didn't know. i left, wondering if i could stand staying awake any longer.

i tried to work on interpreting the images, but all i came up with was frustration. instead of forcing anything, i put myself to bed. i refused to do more than i could.

maybe some part of me realized that sleep was the only thing that could help me. i needed time to breathe and close my eyes. and so i woke up in the middle of the night, answers provided by a dream, gossamer threads woven together. 

i wrote it down immediately, running from my hut even thought it was dark out. whether ben was awake or not, i was going to give him the message immediately. 

perhaps i could make up for when i left, ben and i sitting together until sunrise discussing my prophecy or maybe talking about something else entirely so we didn't have to think of it at all. 

it took only one step in to see such a rosy imagining could not possibly take place. he saw me, but did not say anything.

i could tell he hadn't slept. the whole room ached with it, things strewn and thrown about as he tried to take his mind out on what little he could.

"it's finished," i said. i held it out to him, standing stiff as he plucked it away to read.

i stood. he said nothing, only stared blankly at what i had written as if he was waiting for understanding to form itself. 

then, “what...what does this mean?”

“what it says,” i sighed. “this is the interpretation.”

“are you sure it’s right? are you sure that this is it?”

i blinked.

“it’s not wrong, it just...is what it is. i did everything i could. i did everything i knew and things that i didn’t.”

“isn’t there anything else?” 

"no. no, that's all there is."

he paced around his part of the room once, then kicked one of the items strewn on the floor. my shoulders tensed.

"i'm sorry, ben."

i returned to my own room, collapsed, and wept until morning, because i had failed him. i threw myself into the fire for him, to quench its flames, and only made it larger, angrier. 

when master skywalker asked me what was happening that next morning, noticing my red eyes and general fog, i told him i missed home and my parents. it wasn’t all false, but the weight of the lie pressed down on my shoulders until i felt that i was sinking into the ground. he had every right to be worried about my behavior, considering how much i had unraveled in the past few days, and yet there i was lying to his concerned face.

“i was thinking that you might need to get away from all this for a while. contact your parents, and we’ll figure it out.”

i nodded. 

“so much has happened these past few months...so much has changed. i can’t blame you for getting caught up in it. isn't your birthday coming up?”

“yes. my twentieth.”

“then it’s settled. you’ll be leaving for a bit of time around your birthday and going home. how does that sound?”

leaving. i would leave...and i couldn’t see what next. 

i only saw no returning.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is my favorite chapter. this is the one that shows the relationship between ben and the seer best, the relationship that really is the heart of this fic (and to think i was going to have the seer be a mostly passive observer!). this is the one where the seer breaks their own rules. this is the one where i get to muse about the force for a bit. 
> 
> yes, this is the one that took the longest to write and i believe is the longest, but i'm very happy with it. i hope you are, too.


	5. morning

 

my ears overflowed with the sound of crackling, waking me up and pulling me out of bed.

fire. it was fire, crackling like it was a hungry beast desperate to consume.

but when i approached the exit, i found a shadow towering over me.

"ben."

he stood in front of the exit and did not shift when i took a step forward.

"what's happening? what's burning?"

"i wish you hadn't woken up."

"where's master skywalker? what's happening?"

"luke skywalker is dead."

"what?" i shrieked. and then it didn't matter that he was standing in my way, i had to see what was happening for myself.

everything i saw i could've predicted. as far as i could see, everything was aflame, collapsed and smoldering. seeing the fire, everything came into harsh, piercing clarity. i wanted to weep or scream or run away but i did nothing but turn around to face ben and hear my voice come out too soft. 

"you...you killed him."

"he tried to kill me. i defended myself.”

“no. no, no, that’s not...not possible...”

“you don’t need to follow his rules now. he’s gone.”

“you murdered him!”

even in the inconstant flickers, i saw a wild flash ran through ben’s eyes. 

“he was going to kill me. you were wrong about him.”

“no. no, i think i was wrong about you.”

i wanted to mourn the loss of my teacher, and the boy who i thought was my friend. but he, whoever he was to me now, had more to say.

"just...just listen to me. listen to what i'm saying. the jedi have to end."

with that, he ignited his lightsaber. from the blue glow i saw every detail illuminated. 

his face was wet, and i could trace the tracks up his cheeks and tell it was not from sweat. 

somehow, this made things much, much worse.

"ben...you don't want to kill me."

i wasn't sure if i was begging or trying to calm him. but i knew it was true.

"i have to."

"please don't do this. i won't fight you."

"you can't. you'd lose."

surely this was meant to intimidate, but it was a statement of fact. even if i reached my hand behind me and summoned my own lightsaber, my emotions in entropy and lack of skill would have my life end sooner rather than later.

"i need you to listen to me," he said. "i'm giving you a choice: join me and end the jedi, or die."

"that's no choice."

"yes, it is. it is!"

"to turn against everything i have ever learned, everything i know, or die."

"i wasn't going to give you a choice," he said. "i wasn't going to wait for you to wake up. because i knew you wouldn't listen. you're too loyal to the point you can't see the truth even when it's right in front of you."

i heaved in a breath. "then why am i still alive?" 

“not everyone has to die. i’m taking some with me, those who renounce the jedi order and pledge loyalty to...to a new order. we could use someone like you. a seer. a prophet. someone to look into the future and help us prepare-"

"prepare for what?"

“prepare for the war. the jedi temple may be far away from much of the galaxy, but it’s impossible to deny what’s coming. any insight we can have could be instrumental.”

i felt my heart shudder, weakened by ash-streaked air.

 

"i don't want to fight. i won't fight."

“i’m not making you fight. all you have to do is say yes.”

i only stared back with wide open eyes. i couldn’t choose. both ideas made me shake with fear. and i couldn’t run, couldn’t throw him off, wouldn’t fight. 

he spun his saber once, a mark of impatience melting into the desperation. then he pointed it toward me. still far too far away to cause me any harm. he didn’t want to kill me. he didn’t want to. 

"what was your first prophecy? what didn’t you tell me?”

"i can't tell you."

his step forward, my step backward. but then, i felt a rush of confidence and truth pushing into my mouth, tumbling out into the air.

"i saw light. i saw a girl, of light. and she'll end this, all of this. maybe not any time soon, but...but i have faith in the force."

"what? what girl?"

"i don't know," i admitted. "i don't know who she is, or where, or when she'll rise, but she will."

this threw him for a moment. postponed my fate, for a moment.

"that wasn't all. you told me about-"

"the full prophecy. the interpretation. is that all you want?"

his lungs filled with the smoke-laced air around us, only to push it back out. 

"tell me, or die now."

i had promised master skywalker never to tell anyone else the prophecy. master skywalker was dead. the prophecy was about ben.

i didn't tell him to live. i told him because now was the time for him to hear.

" _what once was sky shall bleed to flame_

_those once alone become the same_

_who was asleep awakens bright_

_all burns, and sets the world alight_."

he let this sink in, let his arm sink down back towards his side so that his lightsaber wasn’t pointed towards me. he didn’t want to kill me. he didn’t. 

"you made the right choice, telling me about the prophecy. now make the choice to live."

my voice cracked when i spoke. 

“what does it matter? you weren’t going to give me a choice. you weren’t and you can't lie to me.”

“but i am giving you a choice, now.” 

“make the choice not to do this.”

“if i let you live then you can escape, rally to destroy me and the others. i can’t allow that to happen.”

“no. not that,” i said. “all of this.”

he shook his head, convinced he had already decided. he deflected my words, so i had to make them into sharper blades.

“you think this, everything you’re doing tonight, is going to give you purpose. that the choices you’re making here will make everything else clear and avoid the future that you don’t want. but those choices made in fear will lead you right to those ends.”

i was speaking without thought. it was only words, flowing through me, pure truths. only the force.

“the doubt. the uncertainty. tonight you’ll try to kill it. but every time you step into the dark, it will grow.”

the more he tried to hold back his emotions, the more they burst. 

“you're wrong!”

“i was right about all this. the flames. your lightsaber. blue. you’re going to bleed the crystal after all of this is through. i know it all because i saw."

he took a step towards me and instinctively i stumbled back. my friend. he was once my friend and now he terrified me. i saw a spectrum of emotions cast across his face, twisting his mouth and blinking his eyes. finally, he said, “you have a gift. you can have a place in this. you don't have to die."

i felt my eyes blinking too fast, sight marred by sweat or tears or both. he knew all too well how tantalizing the choice of life was, knew that it alone could sway. and there i was, swaying to its pull. 

i saw myself saying yes, living. i saw a shell of myself, losing my name and my purpose and my soul. and then i saw light, burning again. it was always my end.

"i'm sorry. i can't go with you."

i couldn't read the expression on his face, but my decision was made.

"may the force be with you, ben."

i accepted my death was coming, in a flash of light. i accepted it, knowing i had fulfilled my purpose.

i only wondered if my parents would ever find out what had happened. if they would realize i had done what they wanted for me. i trained as a jedi. i left my mark on the new generation of apprentices. the force called me, and i answered. 

would they know?

i didn’t know. 

would there be anyone to bury my body? anyone to even know it was lying here?

i couldn’t think it through. 

not through searing, screaming pain.

then i was nothing.

so i was everything.

i knew ben solo.

i draw upon myself and remember.

i am forming into something, some part of my life.

he stole my future.

so i took his.

i am the morning of his doubt.

i see it stretching. 

i feel it, because there is only the force.

there is only me, gathering myself. 

from stars to stars, i return.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the scene that started it all. the reason i wanted to write this fic. i tried to research into the jedi temple as much as i could but there's so little material out there. so i stuck to what i did know, and what i had the liberty to create. 
> 
> i started this fic as a sort of twist on some of the horrifying self-insert fics i've seen. the main character, the seer, would not be named or given a gender. they would be an audience surrogate with a unique view of past, present, and future, just like any reader familiar with star wars. and in that vein, they would be a passive observer with few features and major interactions with the world.
> 
> i failed at those goals. yes, i kept everything vague in the fic, but a character formed out of it, a character with tangible emotions and dreams and goals and relationships, including with ben solo. so i'm introducing you to the character behind the seer now.
> 
> her name is risia seffon (pronounced like reese-ee-uh), but she goes by ris, or risi to those she's close to. i imagine her looking like katara from avatar the last airbender. her hair is almost always in a braid. her jedi clothing is cast in shades of green and grey, and she feels very comfortable underneath a hood.
> 
> she became someone to me, and i'm thankful for it. this story opened when ris formed, and even more so when she became friends with ben. 
> 
> thank you for coming on this journey with ris. she's one with the force now, but that doesn't mean she's never coming back. we'll just have to wait and see.
> 
> also: rip to a chapter on lightsabers i cut midway through the process. i had this whole thing about changing colors and how that related to sunrise, but...i get what rian johnson means about pacing.

**Author's Note:**

> y'all. i am so excited. meet the seer, my star wars oc born during winter break even though it's now spring break. after seeing the last jedi i knew i had to write something but i didn't know what. i thought about someone observing ben solo as he slowly but surely turned dark. and then that expanded into something that just felt far more.


End file.
